My Transition, Day to Day

May 28th, 2012

So I usually always wear two binders. To make it so I’m as flat as possible. I hardly ever wear just one…and when I do, I’m usually to myself and just try to shrink away into nothing. Wearing only one binder sets off my dysphoria like no other. Especially when I’m out in public. Okay that being said, today I only wore one binder and hung out with my girlfriend for most of the day. I guess that doesn’t really seem like a big deal, but it really is. I don’t know, I just felt really comfortable and I hardly even paid attention to the fact that I wasn’t as flat as I usually am. That’s pretty much it. I don’t know, it was a big deal for me. It’s also a big step for me so yeah.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m struggling. Each day I’m less comfortable with my body and each day I feel more constricted by my binder. I should be really happy that I got a scholarship, but I’m sitting here crying because I’m expected to be the strong Soprano 1. I’ll be expected to wear a dress for performances too because my teacher now will be my teacher next year and she doesn’t let me wear a tux now because it “takes away from the group.” 

I really wish my pathway wasn’t music…not just music, but singing. I seriously have no “good time” to start hormones. If I tell my teacher that I’m taking a chorus next semester, she’ll assume that I’m gonna be a Soprano 1 again, but if I’m on hormones…that won’t be true. I don’t know. I’m really stressing over this. Plus I don’t want to be a soprano 1 anymore…I don’t want to wear a dress for concerts. I don’t want this voice, this body. I just want to be a normal boy.

It’s like I want this more than anything. It keeps me awake sometimes, echoing in the back of my head. A constant reminder. But I’ll never say a word because that’d be selfish of me. Everything is perfect the way it is with this, I wouldn’t ruin this even for a slight chance of that dream. I’m being extremely vague right now because this isn’t something I want people knowing. I just needed to get it out.

I want a girlfriend who I would be comfortable enough with to lay in bed without a binder on. A girl who wouldn’t try to push me so far out of my comfort zone, but at the same time would encourage me and assure me that everything would be okay if I did come out of my comfort zone. I want someone who would be willing to help me with self injections when the time comes because God knows I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I guess I just want someone who is accepting of who I am and is willing to help me when I need it.